FMA My Way
by lauren.messer.3
Summary: The bestest FMA story ever! Imagine FMA Crack, loads of it. I did my best and I hope you all like it. The title rhymes! REVIEW. (Its based off the manga) The look on your face from all the humor should resemble this picture, I know it's that mine blowing! Tell me how much you love please. Thank You - PS The intro isn't that funny (Skip to chapter 1 please)
1. Chapter intro

**Hello... This is my first fanfiction so my best friend,_ Kashagal_ forced to keep the author's note "nice." You all are beautiful, nice, and kind hearted so everybody loves you, but its life so they hide it and they might try to ruin your life... Thank you. I dont own ANYTHING execpt the brilliant idea , of doing this... (Thinking) **

**k:my friend is trying to think, she doesn't do it often. it's new to her so let her take her time...**

**L: my body is trying to kill itself :) **

**L: I give credit out to the wonderful people who helped make this possible- me... kashagal who typed it up for me because im lazy. and my mom.**

**K: and my relatives that made her computer. **

**L: ****I LOVE THE WORLD!**

**FMA My Way**

"Flashback… Flashback… da na na na na da na na na na batman! Batman…"

"Brother!" Al screamed,

Edward replied, "What?"

"Brother this is the wrong flashback,"

Edward checking the script. "Oh, that flashback. I like mine better… Hmm I hate that flashback. Can't we just skip it and do mine?"

"No brother they need to know how we got to be who we are and if we don't do it the fangirls will never forgive us." Al mumbled.

"You know which ones you are." Edward looking at the camera with a smartass look on his face… "Fine Al have it your way… I remember it like it was two days ago.

"Al… Alphonse! Alphonse!? Well he's gone oh well now I'll get all the fangirls, teehee! Yes! Yes! Oh crap my legs gone... Teehee!"

**[It may seem shity now, but I swear it gets better... I just didn't want to merge the intro with chapter one... At least try chapter one. thank you :)]**

***slaps face... **intro not that funny sorry :(


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: The two weirdoes**

[Fun Fact: My favorite thing I love to do when my labtop is on low is to scream and run around to find the charger.]

"Hey Alphonse wanna play a game?"

"Fine" Al said while hoping to play spin the bottle.

"Ok. I spy with my little eye something yellow."

"Let me guess sand," Al said angrily.

"How did you know?"

"Because we're in a dessert you idiot!" Al screamed.

"Oh yeah. Sand everywhere, so much sand that can't be turned into something lifesaving like pornography. Remind me Al to cut someone's hand off if they ever say sand… Al where the f*** did you go?"

(Al sticks his hand up through the sand)

"Here brother,"

"F***!" Edward screamed like a girl.

"Don't do that! I almost died!"

"Sorry but I'm made of hollow armor so I sink." Replied Al

"Oh we are finally here Al!"

"Were you even listening to me?"

"Hmm, what oh water come on Al! Wait, aw that's not water oh look Old Dude."

"Hi my name's Old F. Dude, but you can call me Old Dude for short. My mother gave me that name. So are you two street performers?" Old Dude asked.

"NO. Bye"

(Al knocks roof and radio falls)

"S***… D****t. Al, can't you go around for one day without breaking anything!" Ed yelled

[Fun facts: You can't spell grabby without gabby]

(Zap)

"Fixed it," replied Al.

"S*** … that was cool." Replied Old Dude.

"Watch your mouth old guy you don't see f*****g cussing all the d*** time!"

Guy on radio, "Be with god and in other news the small blondy hates the word sand. Guess what SAND M*****F****R! Hahaa ha ha!"

"Oh that dude is getting his hand cut off! And for now on if anyone calls me small, shorty, or midget their foot*cough cough* balls *cough* will be cut off! Got it!"

Crowd, "Got it,"

"Look at me coming in the scene at a random time," Rose implied.

"Who's that chick," Ed asked

"I'm Rose I help a fat guy so my boyfriend can come back to life. I'm not creepy at all."

"Ok… Was the fat guy on the radio just now?"

"Yes why?"

"No reason… But in any case can you take us to him?"

"Sure,"

"By the way Rose which hand is his favorite?" he asked,

"I think his left."

"Interesting," Ed mumbled.

(Church)

"Do you believe in god?" Rose asked

"NO!" Ed answered.

"Well if you believed he would make you taller b/c miracles do happen!"

"How bout I stick my foot up you're a$$."

Rose replied "I thought you would cut a foot off."

"Fine then,"

(Shnk)-cut

"Naaaagh!" Rose screamed.

Al freaked out "She wasn't saying that to be mean!"

"Oh, sorry,"

"Sorry you cut my foot off! My foot!"

"Hey I said I was sorry… Fine I'll fix it.

… (Zap)- Nothing F*****g happened b*****s!

[Fun Fact: Harry Styles has four nipples]

"So any way how can you honestly believe these things? Do you really believe that if you pray to god the dead will come back to life?"

"Yes. I do…"

"1 cup of butter, 1 cup of oil, 1 cup of sugar, 1 cup of powdered sugar, 1 teaspoon of baking soda, 1 teaspoon of salt, 1 teaspoon of vanilla, 4 eggs, and 4 cups of flower.

Cream butter, oil, eggs, sugar, salt, and other sugar. Cook at 350 for 10 minutes."

"…huh?" Rose murmured.

"Brother that sounds like you want to make sugar cookies," said Al

"What else would I be saying a human. I'm hungry again. So where are my cookies?"

Rose and Alphonse, "Um."

"Besides there's a missing ingredient for a human and no scientist can get it."

(I peeked from the other room) You can't measure the amount for a human soul dumb***." (I disappear back to the darkness)

Al asked. "What was that?"

Ed replied, "I guess we will never know… Someday I'll find that missing ingredient."

(You hear a slap to my face in the darkness)

(Outside again)

"He made a flower… wow… Yup he's a fraud"

[Fun Fact: Taylor Swift is Satan… **Trust me.**]

Rose, "Grrr."

Al commented "That kind of transmutation has to be alchemy."

"That's what I thought too and he can bypass the laws for some reason and that's the problem" Ed replied.

"Hey I was gonna say that!"

"You snooze you lose Al. There's his hand. I think we've found it… Hey lady I'm starting to um get interested in this crappy-I mean awesome religion. I'd "love" to speak to that dushebag. I mean holiness, do you think you could take me to him?"

"Yay, so you're finally starting to believe!"

(In that one evil place)

Guard yelled "Die!" (Blam)

"D****t Al can't you go one day without getting your head shot off! I'll kill you both."

"OMG Al your empty!" yelled Rose

"Hey look a door." Said Ed.

Cornello yelled "You and your military can't stop me!"

Ed replied "ok."

Cornello yelled "what don't you care about your country?!"

"Nope. I just want to cut off your hand… and of course the philosopher's stone too."

"You and everyone else are idiots I fooled them all. Beat that."

"Bam I just did. Al show him."

(Al opened chest and Rose is there)

"You lied to us… so you can't bring my pimp back." Rose commented.

"Yes I can." Cornello replied

"Ok "

(Rose goes to him)

"Now, as for you, meet sweety, and die!"

"Looks like this one might be tough to play with empty handed. So…" Ed clapped

(Boom) (Pulls out a weapon)

"Here kitty…stab you die. Mwahahaaha! Hey guess what…I have a robot arm. Suck it. Prepare to lose your hand."


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: The Price of hands. **

He made wings out of wax so he could fly... But when he got too close to the sun... To god... The wax melted and he crashed landed to hell and lost his hands.

Da nananana Flashback, flashback

"Al! Al! Alphonse! Hey numb nuts get over here!"

"What is it, big brother?" replied Al

"Look! We can't go wrong using this theory even though there's the 98% chance of failure and 70% of losing my arm and leg and you your whole body... lets do it!" said Ed.

"No way. Is this?"

"Like I said. It is! This says how to do it! We can bring our mom back from the depths of h***."

We never had any doubts about doing it. Our mother was so horny, the horniest person in the world... All we wanted was just to see our mother's boobs again. Even if it was against the laws of alchemy. That was the only reason we were studying alchemy, after all... But the resurrection failed for some strange reason. When it failed Ed lost his left leg... And i had my whole body "Taken." I lost conscious for a while... The next thing I saw when i opened my eyes was this armor body and a sea of semen and blood of course...

"Heh heh... Sorry. All i could get for one arm was your soul. I couldn't svae your d***." Said Edward

"Brother why?"

We're coming back b*****s because this flashback is OVER d*****t!

"Even after the horrible injury of losing his left leg... Ed was dumb enough to exchange his right arm for my soul... And put it in this piece of s***, I mean wonderful armor."

"Heh... The two of us tried to resurrect one person and this is what happened because obviously Al did something wrong, not my fault at all. This is what it takes to raise the dead, hoe. Are you ready to make that sacrifice?!" Ed said

"Heh heh heh... And you call yourself a state alchemist, don't make me laugh." Cronello boasted

"Shut up you fata$$! Your just a third-rate back who can't do anything without a stone... Whatever that means."

"You smarta$$ eat bullets!"

"OK!" Ed screamed with delight

"Huh!?"

"Yummy. How do you like my stone, d***! Al lets get out of here... Rose too!"

"Fools! the exit is rigged! Only I can open it from up here."

All of a sudden Edward made a door in his door.

"Got it. Do you like it? It's all gold, bejeweled... and its got sparkles. TeeHee!"

"Don't just stand here! go after them you lazy a$$es!" Cornello demanded

Guard 1 snorted "Hey, You little runt, are you gonna take us all on empty handed?"

"Might as well give yourself up before you get a boo boo..." Guard 2 said

"Mwahaahaha!" Edward slapped his hands together and made a bad*** blade "Someone is losing a foot today!"

"Eeeeeep!" They yelled

After that they started running and soon came across a room.

"Huh? Whats this?"

"The broadcast room" Rose implied

"Oh really, boy he really needs a maid... Oh look a shiny button."

(Another flashback)

"NOOO! How did this happen? Big brother you couldn't save my d***, it was flawless!"

"Yeah it was... There weren't any mistakes in our theory either... We were the ones... who made the mistakes, no wait its totally your fault Al."

"Why! Your the one who had the idea! you got the ingredients and made the sign."

"Yeah and it was perfect until you ruined it."

"Brother you have no proof that I did it."

"Yes i do. You lost your whole body I just lost my arm."

"What the h*** is your point?"

"You lost more then me so that's you punishment. Yours is bigger. So you did something to deserve this and that's ruining the alchemy." Ed said smiling

"...?"

(Back to the present in the broadcast room)

"You little runt, you're not getting away that easily" Cornello wheezed

"Someones losing a foot." Ed said angrily

"Shut up! everyone within the church is under my direct control! They'd never believe a stupid follower if she contradicted me! I gave them cookies..."

"My, my. I feel sorry for those poor followers of yours... Wait do you have any cookies left, like I said earlier i'm hungry."

"Not for you! Besides those followers are just pawns to use for war! I don't have time to be sorry for mere pawns."

**[Fun Fact**: In chess pawns are very useful, if you get one to the other side of the board you can get a piece back like the queen, etc**]**

(Ed with a weird/creepy pedo look on his face)

"Oh sorry I zoned out over the fact that your boring as f***... Guess what, everyone heard you... Oh look a cookie."

(Corneelo sees the microphone finally!)

"You! You couldn't have you little rat! How long has that swich been on?!"

"From the whole beginning. 3 You just exposed your entire plan ^-^. And thanks to your last statement your losing your last foot."

"Grrrrrrrr. you dumb brat!... I'm going to kill y-"

"To slow!"

"Naaaagh!... My hand!"

"Didn't I tell you that you'd lose your hand too?"

"I won't give up!... S*** my stone brook."

"Its a fake..." Edward groaned

"Its my chance now I can f*** him up for good."

"Hey... Old man..."

"uh...Y-yes!?"

"Your going to Hell b****!

"Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagghh!"

(outside somewhere)

"So you cut both of his feet off and his hand?" Al asked

"Yeah, it was worth it... But just when I thought we were finally going to get back your d***..."

"We need to worry about you first."

"I'm not going in the nuthouse like grandma! Oh well, I guess we'll look somewhere else. Lets leave this trash pile."

"There must be some mistake... i mean..." Rose mumbled

"Why the h*** are you still here! Get over it! This is the 6th time you've brought it up... Scram!"

"Brother do you think you were cruel to her, cause you left her crying in the dirt..."

"What can I sat haters gonna hate."

(Meanwhile)

"D*****t! I can't move I only have my right hand... Nothing could make this worse." Cornello complained

"Really you were sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooo close... And now everythings gone wrong for your sorry a$$. Long time no see, I wish it was longer. "you've caused a lot of trouble your holiness." Said Lust

"You gave me a fake stone."

"Yeah and?"

"You lied to me!"

"Tell me... who's better looking you or me?"

"You..."

"Exactly."

"That makes no sense! And it doesn't answer my ques-" (Shunk)

"You are no longer my b****."

"Can I eat him!" Asked Gluttony

"Sure but, save his face for me."

"No promises." (eating)

"Awwww... And just as things were starting to go soooooooooooooo well. Father will be furious... Hey ii thought I told you to save that for me."

"Sorry..."

**[ So any way. I hoped you liked chapter two, i sure enjoyed making it. Please give me your opinion/comment about it. Thank you.]**


	4. Chapter 3

"Looks like we're the only ones on board." Edward implied out of boredom

"Well that's because you haven't showered in 5 months dumba$$."

"Oh yeah, I guess this isn't exactly a lovely country... To bad."

**Chapter 3- The pedo town**

"So this is the place to get laid... Sweet." Al murmered

"Everyone seems horny" Edward implied

(Bonk... wood to Ed's head)

"F***!"

"Oops! Sorry about that... Hey! You're from out of town right, on a trip?"said the kid

"Uh... Well.."

"Wanna make out?"

"What!"

"Dad! We got the hoes!"

"Listen when i talk to you! I'm not a-"

"Huh? What that, Khayal?" Said the dad

"We got the hoes remember in the mail!"

"What do ya mean hoe!" yelled Ed

"You don't say!"

(Cabin)

"Sorry about the dust. The mines don't pay very much. So we run this inn to get by."

"What're you talking about chief!? Your problem is, you're a soft touchy! Always giving what you make to the b*****s!"

that random bearded guy implied.

"That's why your dogs are always barking!" second random guy mocked.

"Keep it down you!"

"Look for the last time I'm not hoe!"

"What... then what are you?"

"I'm an alchemist,"

"I dabbled at that but I sucked at it... I feed you if you fix our stuff."

"Fine."

(Boom)

"Wow it looks brand new... And works like a charm (wink wink)." Random pedophile boasted.

"Happy?"

"Yes."

"Can I eat?"

"Sure... but can I ask your name?"

"Are you a stalker."

"Maybe... I mean no!"

"Fine... Edward Elric"

"The state alchemist... Edward Elric?"

"Well sort of... Hey whats the big idea!"

(They get tossed out.)

"Get lost!"

"Hey we're paying customers!"

"Blegh! We don't have food or lodgings for dogs of the military!"

(Slam the door)

"D****t Al can't you go one day without getting out of a s**** bar!"

"Ed hold on, I have an idea."

(knocks on door)

"What"

"Um I'm a civilian. I'm not a state anything,"

"What else you got?"

"... I'm a hoe."

. . .

"Oh, that's fine then come on in!"

"Al! You traitor!"

(Later that evening)

"I'm hungry... Ooh a cookie no wait that's just dirt... Damn you Al... Have you lost your virginity so soon?!"

(Swish... Burger)

"Here I found this back by the dumpster,"

"What that's nasty"

"Brother do you not want it?"

"Al! ... Yes yes yes yes I love you! I love garbage cheeseburgers!"

"Sheesh, you're so predictable... And I lost some respect for you."

"I know when we signed up for this we would get s*** but, not this much shit."

"Maybe I should get certified as a state alchemist too."

"Oh silly Al... wait... It would give me a break and make your life a bigger h***... I mean no you shouldn't b/c one person on a bed of needles is enough... Well your metal. Like I said don't." (Sigh)

"Ed don't forget that we broke the laws of alchemy ans now where you lost your your limbs ans I;m still stuck in this peace of s****! ... I wonder what our teacher would say if she ever found out that i'm not a virgin, and our misuse of alchemy of course..."

"She'd f*** us up real bad!" (Shiver)

"Wait! Al you're not a-"

"Hey Ed look people!"

"Out of our way We are coming in!"

(creepy guys walk in)

"Place looks slutty as usual, good work" lieutenant complained.

"Well, well, lieutenant. What brings you to a s*****y little place like this?"

"Enough flirting. I hear your low on your hoes. I know your not the only dead beat in this town but you're also very unattractive. Hmph... I see you can still afford to sell alcohol... i will lower your salaries ha ha ha ha b*****s!"

"Why you...! You better be joking!" Said the kid while he was throwing some nasty ass towel at the lieutenant's face

"You little brat! Sir, allow me!" Some other guard said

"Bitch slap!" Shouted the lieutenant

"D**n! I mean oh no Khayal!" Said the dad

" I won't hold back on my b****es just because they are children." The lieutenant boasted

"Let that be a warning" Said the other guard (KLANG) ... (Snap)

"Nice try MotherF***ers! Mwahahahahaha ah ah aha!" Ed screamed with delight

"What?! It brock!" said the guard

"Where in the hell did that fucking kid come from!" Shrieked the lieutenant

"Just a kid passing through."

"This is none of your business! Stay out!... why are you fiddling with your pants? :) "

"Well I heard the lieutenant was gonna be here... So I decided to say hello."

"Oh really." (smiling.. then he looked over) "...Eh? whats that?... Gah!"

"Lieutenant who is this brat..? ow!" said the guard

"You fucking idiot! Don't you know what a state alchemist is!?" He screamed.

"You're serious? Not that little runt!?" fat guy whispered.

"This is my chance..."

"What to nail him?"

"No! ... Not yet... If I make my impression here I might be able to make some connections at central.

"Then you nail him

"Exactly."

"Wow, you're really on top of things lieutenant! Literally."

"I'm sorry my subordinates were impolite" the Lieutenant said as he slithered over

"Impolite? You fucking bitch slap a six year old to the floor... Not that it wasn't funny but still." Ed replied with a smirk.

"Its a gift. My name yuki and im in charge of this town."

(He sure has a creepy mustache) Ed pondered

"Anyway it must be fate that we met here! There's no need for you to be staying this whore-house! Even though we're far from the city, we have some lovely (sexy sexy) rooms back at my house ;)"

(Hmmm a creepy pedo dude wanting me to stay for a while at his place... seems legit.) Ed thought to himself.

'"Well I guess that will be... fine. Besides the owner hereis too cheap for me, and the covers smell funny!"

"Listen here, you numbnuts. I'm going to make youpay every nickel you owe me. Any way I can :) ... I'll be back!"

"Agh! That makes me mad!" That one kid yelled.

"Who are you again?" Al asked

(The Mansion)

"Eat, eat! I like a boy with a little meat on there bones." Lieutenant murmured.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"This food tastes awesome! The other guys food tasted like KFC, almost had a massive heart attack just by looking at it. ... Just so unhealthy... No wonder they are poor."

"I know ... And don't get me started on what they put in the beer."

"So you tax people because you own the land?"

"Indeed"

(I would love to have this wallpaper) Ed recollected his thoughts, "You've got this all under control."

(He's so stunning) Sir Edward take the tiny bag of cash as a gratitude."

(What the hell? I bet there is 7 coins in it. ... Yep 7.) Ed guessed.

"What's with the cash?"

"You see I don't want to grow old and die as an officer in one poor a$$ town... Right."

"Riiiiiight." (I dont get it...)

"Well then... Have a very very good night sleep."

"Thank you" Ed walks away

"Lieutenant sexy Yoki." Gay guard whispered "This isn't the first time we've had problems with halling's inn. Every night there's a bunch of bad boys there,talking about stirring up some naughty, naughty trouble."

"Hmph, they've always been rather rebellious haven't they?... Burn the bitch down."

(That night)

"Damn. Everything is gone."

"hey Ed can't you use your magic powers to make shiny shiny stuff for my dad?" Khayal asked

"Fuck no."

"Why the hell not."

"Because i'm an ass, bitch. You really think i'd give you money... Dumb-ass."

"Scumbag!"

"You know it."

"You call yourself an alchemist?"

"Yes i do, pee wee. I'm leavin."

(Away)

"Hey, big brother what are you doing."

"Magic."

"But its illegal."

"Not if no one knows. If you tell our teacher she will chop our asses off and hang them on her fireplace."

(At the lieutenant's place)

"...Uh..." the lieutenant mummbled

"Give me the mines." Ed demanded

"OKAY!"

"With this much gold I could turn my house into a private strip club... oh yeah and could you... uh."

"Oh yes, of course."

"Thank you, thank you."

"But making gold is illegal so just say it was free."

"OK."

(Back at bar)

"Why not dad?" Khayal asked

"Becau-"

(Bam!) "Sup bitches i just bought the whole damn place!"

Crowd " What?"

"Look at the fine print Mwahahaha!"

"FUCK." Said the dad

"Wanna buy it."

"... Are you making fun of me?"

"Only behind your back. Ill sell it for the price of a one night stay, two meals for two at your place... With a stripper for Al."

"Deal!"

"Fuck yeah!"

(The lieutenant bursts into the door)

"Mr. Alchemist what is the meaning of this? The gold is just coal!"

"The papers say I got it for free so suck it... Boys kick there asses."

(One big ass whooping later)

"Hooray!" Says the crowd

"Yeah i'm the hero." Ed says proudly

"Brother, what about me?"

"No one cares about you."

THE END


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Battles with the Posers**

(On a train)

It starts out with this very important guy who is talking with his beloved family but I don't care about what they are talking about so lets continue. All of a sudden these idiots break in for reasons that I am to lazy to look at and are holding not only the family but, the whole god damn train hostage. Can our "Heroes" save the train without doing something stupid or meaningless? Probably not. Will they save the day? Of course, there fucking awesome.

(At the station or some place)

"The hijacked train was limited express NO. 696969 departing from new optain. This is the work of "Blue squad," a group of western hillbillies and there leader wheres a Dora eye patch. Very dangerous( Mostly to themselves )" some random guy at the station/place said

"Any statements?" Asked colonel Mustang

"Your sexy."

"Good... Well i have a date tonight so you guys can figure this out kk, love you all. I'm gonna take a nap."

"Right sir. Don't worry everybody we've got a state alchemist on board... he can do our work, naps for everybody!"

"Why aren't i in the seen?" Hawkeye asked

"Because your a women."

(Back on the train)

Ed "SNORE!"

"How the hell can this kid sleep through all of this? Hey wake the fuck up (Whacking him in the face) You fucking little runt!"

[All a sudden Edward wakes up and kicks this guys ass like a boss, then cuts his foot off...Then this random robber points a gun at his head]

"We were order to kill people... Now i don't want to because I've never killed someone and killing babies will give me nightmares but, if i have to then i will." The guy said

"You both are babies. Why can't we for once just not fight?" Al asked

"Damnit Al! Can't you go one day without ruining the fighting moment... Now where were we?"

"Wait, you want to fight u-"

(BAFF)

"I've been called a runt, dwarf, sex toy, and little person, but really a baby?! what the fuck! You're gonna lose both feet for that asshole."

"Big brother! your going to kill him!"

"Put that under the shit i already know folder ok Al! wait... who the hell are these posers? Am I on catch a predator?"

"Besides us, there are two more in the engine room and four more in the first class car guarding the general." said the guy

"Guarding the general, how nice."

"Brother thats a bad thing."

"Oh yeah. ok."

"This would have ended better if you weren't always acting like a spoiled brat."

"Shut up Al! Besides You can't move forward if you keep regretting the past!"

(walks to window)

"SHIT!"

"Brother your a fucking idiot."

"I know you are but what am I?"

"Just go already!"

As Edward runs across the train Al goes into other rooms... Lets just say people technically they do shoot themselves... Pretty funny... Heh heh babies.

(At the room with the boss)

"Hey bald,"

"Contract with the rear has ceased." Said the black dude

"... There's someone on board." said bald

"What does that mean?" asked some blondy

"That's ridiculous!"

"We took care of all the gaurds, and we've cut all communications. The passengers dont got the balls to call for help." Said black dude again

(In engine room)

"OK... If your the traitor raise your hand... fuck!"

(Back to the boss)

"Who did you hire?!" said bald

"No one I swea- ... naaaaaagh!"

"HAhahah, bull... Don't talk or it will get worse"

(Bald hears a rat "An Ed" on the roof because he doesn't know how to walk on a super fast train... gosh... Then he starts shooting him, funny.)

"FUCK!" Ed shrieked

"Kill him."

(On the side)

"That asshole shot my fucking foot... Why would he do that, he is so mean... They will all pay."

(In engine room a bullet lands on the ground, they question it. then Ed breaks in. Then Ed smashes some guys face in then the real train drivers whack Nappa:) with shovels. TEAMWORK.)

"Anything I can do?" said the train driver

"Drive the fucking train! ... Thank you 3 ." Ed said as he went up the train ladder "Hup.."

"There you are rodent!" Baldish guys said as he started shooting him

"Fuck you!" Then Ed slapped his hands together and made an awesome canon and shot that motherfucker

(In the cart below)

"We need help! Some white boy is kicking our asses... hello? Hello?"

(FLOOP) "Die..." Edward screamed as he flooded the cart with water (BOSHHHH)

After that Al opens the door and the bad guys slide out and then he too kicks there asses again, blah blah. Now they are at the train station

"Hey fullmetal." Said colonel Mustang

"Die with fire!"

"I have a small feeling that you dont like me... But that would make you staupid."

"Die..."

"Your so cute when your angry ^-^"

Then the guard scream and Bald came out lookin pretty mad and started to scream towards them.

"Ill take care of this" Said Mustang then he rubbed his fingers together and burned that bitch. "I took it easy on you:) next time you will be bacon, have a nice day"

(Fangirls screaming in the backround)

"Who the hell are you?" Said bald

"Bitch please i'm the super famous and super attractive "Flame Alchemist." Ladies don't forget that (winks) "


	6. Chapter 5

"Whooooa... That was sweet." Said the guards

"Hmm..? You've never seen the colonel shoot fire before?" Asked the second lieutenant Havoc.

"How the fuck did he do it?"

"Mustangs gloves are made out of special reactive cloth. When you rub it, it sparks. The rest is just adjusting to the air and stuff and then just pick something to combust."

"What?"

"Magic gloves rub and make boom boom."

"Oh. How can he dio it?"

"He's an alchemist."

"...Uh."

"Magic people... God who is in charge of hiring soldiers! The small blondy is one too."

"The fuck... So he saved the train...Bull, he is probably an alien..."

"Seriously who is in charge!"

**Chapter 5: The Readers Suffering (Not Really)**

"Yoooouu, owe meee. Hahahaha!"

"You're still as creepy as fuck. What do you want?"

"That was fast, sweet. Ok, I need to know more about that one guy who does Bio-alchemy."

"Now? You sure are in a hurry arn't you? How about I give you some pornography from my private collection?"

"Tempting but, no. I don't want to be a robot forever you know."

"Whatever. Want a beer, it's been a while since we've seen each other."

"Sure, I've been stressed lately. Does it have to be with you?"

"Found it. He's called Shou Tucker the "sewing life alchemist". He created a chimera that could speak so now we pay him."

"It can talk... I wanna pet it."

"It's dead because it didn't eat. It wanted to die.

"Dammit!"

(At the place)

"Lets meet him." Mustang said as he rang the doorbell.

"This place is huge," Ed said then he heard a rustle. "GYAAAAGGH!"

"Alexander no! Stop that!" Shou Tucker said.

"Wow daddy! Lots of guests!"

"Nina, I told you to keep him tied up."

(Inside)

"I apologize for the messy mess mess. It's been like this ever since my wife beat the shit out of me and took everything valuable... Anyway nice to meet you, Edward. I'm Shou Tucker."

"Edward is interested in biology alchemy and I told him you might be able to show him your research."

"Oh I don't mind... But if you want to know what's my sleeve you have to show me what's up your pant... I mean your sleeve first. Alchemy is about equivalant exchange... So why are you interested in biological transmutation?"

So Edward takes his shirt off for him ;) and he was speechless.

"...So... That's why you're called the fullmetal alchemist... (later) ...I see, so you lost your mother..."

"I've told my supervisors that he lost his limbs in war," Mustang picked at his nails, "I was gonna state that he sold them for porn but I'm such a kind person... "But anyway, I hope you would keep this a secret." Mustang added.

"Funny... I guess that wouldn't be a problem... I guess I should show you my studies and laboratories." They walked in and saw all the mutations and freaks of nature. "You've got to excuse me I'm pretty busy... An um I make chimeras but they're hard to make so I usually end up with these..." he gestures to the various jars and cages, "things... This is the file room." he said as he opened the door to the freakishly large room.

(Minutes of Ed reading and ignoring life pass by. And people talking later)

"Hey Ed." said Mustang

"Huh, what?" Ed lifted his head from the book he had just spent countless minutes on to look at the colonel.

"I'm gonna leave now,"

"Why can't you stay?" he says with an innocent child look on his face.

"Well I have a date with some girl named Kyle Blake at 3:00, somme girl named Rose is gonna give me a handsy at 5:00 and another girl named Gabby is gonna give me a blow job at 7:00..." he said with a smirk.

"You're sick" said Ed as he made a disgusted face.

"I'm just sharing the love... You'll understand when you get older. See yah," he said as he waved and he passed through the door.

Ed thought about what had just been said, "Rose... Rose...sounds familiar, oh well." he went back to his book.

(Later, later)

"Fuck! Its late, hmm never thought i'd read for this long or at all... Hey Al! where the hell are you? I wonder where he went... Its not like its easy to lose a giant piece of metalthat easily."

Then Alexander the dog body slams Ed to ground which was fun... Anyway he screams like a girl then Al and Nina come around

"Sup big brother."

"what the hell do you mean by sup, your like 6. your not cool! Your supposed to be reading."

"Well Nina wanted to play so I thought you wouldn't mind."

"Damn it Al can't you go one day without getting distracted by kids who wanted to play!"

"Big brother! Alexander wants to play too!" Nina implied as the dog licked Eds face.

"Hmph... You must be pretty stupid asking me to play with you dog... They say catching a rabbit takes every bit of a lion's strength. Whatever thats suposed to mean but I can say hat ive killed a mutant lion before so pull anything i can kill you... Dog, stop laughing at me! Okay just try to fucking sit on me again and i swear i'll kick your ass!"

A little after whatever just happened between the dumbass "I heard that!" and the dog the second lieutenant Havoc came to pick them up... "Im here you guys... What the fuck are you doing?" He asked after seeing Ed on the ground and the dog on top of him which is again always funny to see.

"Uh I guess you could say we took a little break from reading..." Ed implied angerily

"So did you find anything useful?" Tucker asked then the dog slammed his paw on Ed's head "...You can come back tomorrow."

As Ed and Al where saying there goodbyes and leaving Havoc reminded Tucker about his assessment date coming up and stuff. After they left Nina asked about it and by the look on his face after the conversation we all know he's a crazy bitch.

(The next day)

"So you mom left two years ago." Al comfirmed

"Uh-huh. Daddy said she went back to her parents."

"That sucks. "

"Yeah."

"...Oh god... All this reading is killing me and not to mention i'm cramping up. Same thing everyday."

"Exercise is the best for that brother."

"Ok so i gang a few pounds now your calling me fat... Fuck it. Hey dog i'll play with, only for exercise and nothing else!"

So for the rest of the day I think they basically just play outside while inside Mr. Tucker is sucking at life and can't seem to do anything right. The next day they, Ed and Al, came back to do some more reading. The door was unlocked but no one came to the door. They decided to come in and they found Mr. Tucker crouching down behind a door.

"Hey, there you are." Ed said with delight.

"Oh it's you two... Look it's my newest creation. It's a chimera that talks... watch this. This person is Edward, understand?"

"Ed-ward?"

After Ed and Al took forever to notice Nina/dog she said, "Ed-ward? Ed-ward? Big... Brother." Ed finally got the fucking picture.

"Hey Mr. Tucker. I'm gonna ask you a question. There will be two outcomes to your answer. One will be I'll stay out off it and the other I will be killing your ass."

"Oh then. Go ahead."

"What the hell happened to Nina and Alexander?!"

"...Fuck."

"Wrong answer fuck ass! How could you! You scum!" Ed yelled furiously as he beat the shit out of Tucker.

"Brother! You're going to kill him!"

"I don't care! You crazy son of a bitch!"

"We are the same we take sacrifices and we play around with peoples lives. We alchemists are the same! You'd do the same!" Tucker added.

"Real alchemists... would never do anything like that! We'd never! I'D NEVER!"

Then Al grabbed ahold of Ed's arm so that he wouldn't kill the bastard.

"Heh he... Pretty words don't get anything done..."

"Mr. Tucker... Say any more and I wont be so kind next time.." Al then walked over to Nina and told her sorry. . .

(Somewhere Ed and Al are sitting on steps talking then Mustang and Hawkeye walk down.

"How long are you going to mope around Ed?"

"Fuck you."

"You chose this path, to study alchemy, to be in the military and yet you're depressed about all the little things."

'Something so small?... You're right I did choose this path... But we're not devils nor gods... we are human beings! Pathetic ones! We can't even save a little girl! Just pathetic..."

"Go home Ed. You'll catch a cold."

(At Tuckers place...)

"Oh are you here to see Mr. Tucker?" The guard asked the strange man. "Well you're not allowed so please get out of here."

"I'm going through..."

Anyway the "stranger" gets in and kills Tucker because he's an alchemist who has strayed from the path of god. After that he kills Nina because she can never be normal again and he wanted her to go in peace...

"My lord who created everything. I've returned two souls back to you. Grant them forgiveness and peace in your loving embrace..." the stranger left.

[Yeah this episode has always made me sad, but I've made it through number 5... I'm also starting a new fanfic for Bleach, still based on manga, and still fall for humor. I'll try to get it started soon... If you like the FMA so far review please. I'd appreciate it. Thank you]


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6-** The wrong hand of destruction**

'Mom! Mom! Mom come look!"

"What is it, Edward?"

"Heehee... A dildo!"

"What?"

"I mean it's a present."

"Oh for me? Where did you get this?"

"Found it in a Dumpster um, i made by using alchemy!"

"You did? Its sad to say that you take after your father ,but good job and thank you... Edward you've always been special even more after I dropped you on your head for the 12th time. You being able to make this... thing... is so wonderful... But its to bad you couldn't put me back together again too."

Then Edward flies upwards after waking up from his nightmare

"It... Hurts..."

((Later that day) And that's what she said)

"Edward!"

"Oh first lieutenant Hawkeye."

"What are you doing here so early?"

"Uh... I wanted to know whats going to happen to Nina and that bastard."

"Tucker was scheduled for trial... but they both were killed."

"What the hell! Who did it! I kill'em!"

"I don't know! I'm going now."

"I'll come too!"

"No. It would be better for you if you didn't and calm down. We will figure this out. It'll be okay."

(At Tucker's)

"Hey Mustang. We come to get Tucker alive. Do we really have to put a corpse on trial?"

"Lieutenant colonel Hughes shut up and look... The last thing I need is more stress, i'll get grey hairs and not the sexy kind... What will the fangirls think?"

"Stop bitching!" Hughes says while observing the bodies "Eww... So the guards died the same way too."

"Yep. In pieces like they were blown from the inside."

"Yummy... Hey what do you think about this Major Armstrong?"

"Yes. Its definitely him."

(Back to the city from the first episode)

"Look at this place... These humans are soooooooooo stupid." Lust implied

"Damn straight! If the plan works these bitches will kill each other." Said fake Cornello

"Sorry you had to come out here."

"Well when this is done i'm gonna go back into the city and get back some of my hoes."

"I was worried at first when the little shit head ruined the plan but it turns out he actually helped us out."

"Not to mention the bitch is white. So i'll give him props."

"... Idiot. Anyway, when will humans ever learn."

"Never. That's why we can do anything we want."

"So many will die. By the way Envy how long are you gonna look like that. I wanna see that stunning face of yours."

"Yo I was just making the mood. Then again why be a crusty, fat, ugly geezer... When I can look like my pimpin self."

"Yep your totally are the pimpest guy I know."

"You better watch yourself before I come over there and go all Chris brown on your ass!"

"Y-you're a monster!" A man yelled as he came up the stairs "Whats going on here? Where is father Cornello?!"

after the two looked at eachother Lust asked what to do. Envy wanted to kill him because he called him a monster. Then Gluttony asked if he could eat him, which he did... And they talked about the guy who killed Tucker. They also talked about the fullmetal pipsqueak. They said that he was there sacrafice... That sound craaaazy.

"So Envy, whats our killer's name?"

(Back in the East city in that one place)

"Scar?" Mustang asked

"We don't know his real name so we came up with Scar." Armstrong said

"The name sucks."

"Did I say we I mean Lieutenant Hughes picked out the name. I told him that you wouldn't like it , but he insisted."

"Did he now?"

"NO! I didn't Armstrong you ass kisser!" Hughes protested

"Shut up Hughes!... Armstrong continue."

"We don't know anything else really except that he has a X on his forehead."

"Good work. Hughes, what do you gots?"

"... I'm not even going to bother correcting you."

"The hell you arn't!"

"Well anyway, so far hes killed five in central and in the country its about ten."

"Yeah i've heard rumors of that too."

"between you and me and all the other people around us who can hear. I have heard that he has killed old man grand..."

"The fuck! Grand is like a fucking military expert... I bet this Scar is black."

"Sure you do... Okay now i'm saying this as a friend not a lover... You should watch your back because you and Tucker are the only well known alchemists in central. I don't think you wanna end up like him." Seeing the reaction on Mustang's face he asks "Whats wrong with you now?"

"The brothers..."

"Son of a bitch!"

"Colonel..." Hawkeye spoke calmly "We talked earlier and they said they were going to main street."

"At a time like this?! Darn it Hawkeye of course you would let those two leave!. . . Women"

"Sorry sir."

"Damn right you are!... You guard." Mustang comanded "You heard her, go find them and bring them back stat!...Shits about to go down."

On mainstreet Ed and Al are talking about alchemy and depressing stuff like Nina, there mother, there bodies, and the rain. Then a guard calls them over and what a surprise that our old friend Scar was right there to listen... Wow, and he even yell his name out loud twice... Full name.

"Oh. i'm glad your alright. We've been looking for you two!"

"Oh, uh hey. You need something."

"You need to come back now. There is a killer out here."

"Oh really."

"Yeah!"

"Whats he look like?"

"Well... Um, I don't know but I heard he has a X on his forehead."

"Like that guy behind you?"

The guard turns around and looks back "Yeah** :D** . . . Wait . . . Oh fu-"

Then Scar puts his hand on the guard's face and he blows him up. Then he stares at Ed and Ed just stands there in fear and shock. Then...

"...The fuck was that! You just blew his face off! What the hell did he do to you?..." He walks closer "Damn! Look at your face... Your face! What did you do? Look at your face... You got a X on your head... How did that happen? Just have you seen your face?... Look at it. . . . . Wait. . . . . Are you black!?"

"Ed..."

"Al, hold on... I-"

**DING**! The clock goes off

"Ed RUN!"

"You wont get away..." Scar mumbled

As they are running "What is his problem!? I have never done anything to piss anyone off that much to hate me... Well i've done that a lot, and that, that too... Kicked a homeless guy... tricked a lieutenant... Stole candy... Got some chick named Ethan Palmer pregnant... Boy do I miss her... That one time I did that one thing... Anyway, nothing that needs to be resolved by killing me!"

Then Al calls Edward into the ally... I know what your thinking! Pervs! Shame on you they are brothers... Yeah I what you thought... Sick... Your sick... Like I was saying Al then makes a wall but Scar breaks it like a boss. Ed in return makes a sword out of rubble and tries to attack him. Scar is just to fast for the two and takes out Al's side... Ed gets pissed, swings and Scar hits him not knowing his arm is automail so it only shoots him outwards. Then Edward strips... Out of his coat... Like I said your a perv... Its not happening!

"No wonder... I planned to strip the armor but there's nothing inside and the other has automail. You two are very strange... But I see you need both hands to use your alchemy... I'll have to take care of that."

**BOOM.** Ed's arm breaks into pieces.

* * *

Well I'm done with number 6. YAY! I Hope you like. Comment, favorite, and follow if you like. Thank you. I'll get started on 7 right away!


End file.
